


Demons (Things do can change)

by fin_flora



Series: femme fragile [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan as child-teenager-adult, Dan-fiction, Depression, Femininity, Fluff/ Comfort at the End, Hurt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Substance Abuse, Mentions of suicidal tendencies, Somewhat Heavy Content, i dont even know what to tag this, negative consequences of questioning identity, positive outcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-09 09:14:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13478337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fin_flora/pseuds/fin_flora
Summary: Me, my younger selves and I.The struggle of becoming who we are, by staying who we already knew we were.





	Demons (Things do can change)

**Author's Note:**

> This is fiction, I dont assume that this correlates to reality. I needed to get it out of my head.
> 
> Check the tags again. Thanks.
> 
> lyric-appearance in this fic. _In italics _.__
> 
> Thank you, AmazingDandroid, for helping me out with this one! :) Go check her out: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmazingDandroid  
>  __  
>  _x_  
> 

_I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful, toying somewhere between love and abuse_  
_Calling to join them the wretched and joyful, shaking the wings of their terrible youths_

 

Dan had always known that there was something different about him. That there was a part that couldn’t relate to the normativity around him. He loved singing and dancing, acting and playing dress up, he loved to express himself and his emotions in any way or given form. He was a happy and wild child.

When he thought he was a bit different from the boys around him, It didn’t bother him. Why should it, it was his normal.

Until he needed to quiet it down, push it away to fit in, somehow. It made him stand in constant conflict with himself and everything else. It was eating away at his lively being from the inside.

Only in his most recent years he came to the understanding that he didn’t need to hide it away, that normativity wasn’t the answer for everybody. Furthermore he realised that not everbody wanted that kind of normal.

_When I was a child I heard voices, some would sing and some would scream._  
_You´ll soon find you have few choices, I learned the voices died with me._

 

This wasn’t fun. This wasn’t fun at all. Dan looked around, other kids loud and noisy as he hid behind his desk. Boys being boyish and girls being girlish, grouping up over common interests. He was watching it in awe, not really relating to any of it, or maybe he did, but to all of it.

He soon learned that this was not his favourite place to be. He learned what peer pressure was and that it wasn’t a thing to be messed with. Unless you wanted to be left alone and broken down.

Young minds suffering in a place of education.

He learned all the wrong things in these years. Like that he needed to not be himself to survive in this unreal society of little monsters and their keepers.

He learned to not show every aspect of what he loved and liked, of what he wanted to be or wanted to accomplish. He learned that it wasn’t completely okay to be himself, even though nobody said it out loud. An unspoken rule, there to exist for the ignorant ones.

He learned it was only okay to reflect what was around him, to show what was accepted to be seen, and not what he wanted to express.

 

 _When I was 16 my senses fooled me, thought gasoline was on my clothes._  
_I knew that something would always rule me, I knew this scent was mine alone._

 

Contrary to common belief it didnt get better. It had to get worse first.

Which meant for him, that he drowned in feelings he couldn’t explain, questioning everything and everyone, especially himself. Nobody there to help him through it, nobody there to clarify.

Layered and suppressed memories getting the better of him in his darkest hours as isolation got worse.

There were days, weeks on no end really, where he would feel lonely surrounded by family and friends, both feeding his problems further, unintentionally.

They weren’t there to help, their tries only made it worse because they didn’t know... a thing. They didn’t understand, how could they possibly understand - the constant trouble of questioning Identity, of questioning existence and contemplating death.

 

And because things need to get to rock bottom sometimes, he quieted down the pain, quieted down the thoughts and voices inside of him and gave himself to normativity. With every easy accessible substance and distraction there was. The destruction was quiet, creating ruins out of his soul, only hidden by a weak facade.

 

It was his problem to deal with, not anybody else's. His doom.

Only that things don’t work like that, not in the long run.

 

 _When I was a man I thought it ended, when I knew love´s perfect ache._  
_But my peace has always depended, on all the ashes in my wake._

 

Eventually with new people, new exposure, came new thoughts and different opinions. Which may have helped to some extend. 

It did get better, slowly. Things evolved, they transformed into something more quiet, but in a different way than before. It was something that he could hide perfectly while functioning on most days. It was different somehow.

It even got to the point where he was able to use it, play with it.

In some act of bravery and love he was able to share it with the one closest to him. 

Except the negative consequences of his journey stayed. He worked on it, tried his best on his own and failed every attempt.

Until he got real, professional help. Until he actively seeked out the encouragement of the people who loved him. Until he didn’t have to hide anymore, because there was nothing to hide from in a room full of acceptance.

Because sometimes, things do change. If you let them. And if you´re lucky enough. Even if you don’t believe in luck.

_All you have is your fire, and the place you need to reach._  
_Don’t you ever tame your demons, but always keep them on a leash._

 

.

 

Dan took a deep breath, staring across their lounge through the window. He blinked quickly before he got up, shaking of the thoughts that had invaded his mind. He yawned and stretched his body from head to toe, a swift dizziness surprising him. He blinked again to clear his head, finally going to their bedroom, ready for some sleep and cuddles.

 

Phil looked up from his book as Dan walked in. He was dressed in his normal black attire. „Coming to bed?“ his voice quiet and deep, smiling calmly at Dan, seeing the twinkle in his eyes. „Yeah... finally got tired after yoga and a hot shower“ Dan said as he walked over, a bit unsteady.

„Why are you dressed then?“ Phil smirked as Dan sat down on the edge of the bed next to him „maybe also played some console..“ „Oh..“ Phils smirk turned into a soft smile. Dan hummed as he ran his right hand over the covers, presumably where Phils leg was. Their closeness being a comfort for both. He looked up at him „Can you help me take it off..?“ making Phil chuckle, Dan smiling back at him.

„Come here...“ Phil reached over, pulling him in for a kiss. His hand sneaked over Dans naked thigh, up under the fabric, humming appreciatively. Dan huffed against his lips „not like that...“ smirking knowingly at Phil.

Phil stopped his hand and looked up at him „well.. tell me how then?“ „Just..“ Dan looked down on his hands „...help me unzip the dress first?“

Phil raised an eyebrow „how did you get it on by yourself but not off?“ Dans hands moved for emphasis as he said „I don’t know, okay? Things happened... there was a struggle..“ voice put off. Phil giggled at his remark before he leaned in and reached behind him, pulling the zipper down. He rested his hands on Dans lower back, watching him.

Dan closed the gap between their lips, leaving a firm kiss on his mouth, humming ahead of getting up. Phil watched him undress. He pulled the duvet back on Dans side, knowing he would want to get quickly into the warmth.

And so Dan did, hurrying over to the bed after hanging up his dress and shirt. He was only clad in some black panties, as he dived under the duvet and snuggled up to Phil.

Phil could feel his cold skin and pulled him in closer again, running his hands over his back to warm him up. They both hummed, loving and savoring the skin to skin contact.

Dan nuzzled against his chest, leaving kisses under his collarbone as they lied there all cuddled up. Phils hands were caressing his soft skin. „Want to go to sleep?“ Phil mumbled into his curls. Dan sighed and nodded, running his thumb mindlessly over Phils hip.

Phil pressed a kiss to his head as he turned to his back, pulling Dan to his side, who was slowly drifting of into slumber. „Love you Danny..“ his voice was quiet but certain. Dan stirred and looked up with half closed eyes. „Love you too Philly“ his voice sleepy. He was smiling pleased at him as he rested his head on Phils shoulder.

Phil smiled as he closed his eyes. He knew Dan was healing and beginning to be openly himself again. It made him love what they have together even more. Everything they were accomplishing, everything they were dreaming of, together.

But most importantly, he loved his Dan. The Dan that lived his truth, and had chosen to be by his side.

 

. The End .

**Author's Note:**

> Me, needing to leave an afterthought:  
> [I'm happy things change, it makes it possible for people to live more freely. and peaceful. dont ever forget that things do can get better. And they most likely will if you let them. Its sadly just not the easiest. but its possible if you take one step at a time.] 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment with your thoughts, or a kudos, if you like.
> 
>    
> .


End file.
